Awesome. More war stories from the dating scene. Before we get to #2 on the list of worst dates ever here are a couple more that barely missed the cut:
- Dantheman and I were out with a couple of girls back in the day on a double date. My date and I had recently realized we had a crush on each other for a while. Dantheman was in town and I didn’t want to ditch him, so I asked ballerina chic to invite a friend along. We pull up to her house and out comes the last person I wanted to be around. We had a few classes together, and while I wouldn’t say we hated each other, we definitely did not get along. At all. Within the first minute of being in the car she was already reaching up to the dashboard to change the radio station. Never mind that I had put together a mix cd on my disc man specifically for the night. The night got worse as she complained about the restaurant we went to, the dinner, the cold, the comedy show (that everyone else enjoyed) and whatever else we tuned out. Oh yeah, and she argued about everything, I mean everything we said. Dantheman still claims that I owe him one for this and I can’t really argue with him. Epilogue: Six years later I was on a job interview up north and I almost got hit by a car while walking across a parking lot. I look at the driver and lo-and behold, it was her behind the wheel. Different state, 500 miles from our last meeting, same insane chic. Nemesis status complete.
- I’ll admit I was pretty much amateur hour when it came to dating my first few years of college. Okay, probably all of college. Freshmen year I had a crush on this girl for a few weeks who I was pretty sure didn’t know I existed. So I was pretty stoked one night when she asked me to head to Bricktown to help out with her school project. This qualifies as a date story because I definitely thought it was a date. It was not. I figured this out when I was asked to move to the back seat so one of the older guys from the club I was rushing could get in. So here I am cologned up, in my best shirt and visor (like I said, amateur hour) barely catching a word of what’s being said in the front over the blaring radio. While in the middle of hoping she would at least shoot me a glance in the back seat, we took a turn pretty hard and something in her (not very clean) backseat spilled in my lap. I looked down and went into shock as I realized that an entire box of tampons had just opened up all over my lap. This is me praying that she continued to remain focused on the the front seat long enough for me to get everything back into the box. Prayer not answered. She turned around just in time to find me putting the last handful in the box, or as it probably looked, taking a handful out. “What are you doing?” she asked. I tried to respond over the sound of the radio, “When you took the corner these spilled all over me.” Unfortunately older guy turned down the radio at just the right time for her to hear, “all over me.” Awkward. Silence. For the rest of the night. Epilogue: After a couple more embarrassing mishaps we didn’t really talk again until we became friends our senior year. Neither one of us ever brought up that night again.
And on to Worst Date #2.
When I first moved back to San Diego in the winter of ’08 (man that’s starting to sound like a long time ago) I was laying pretty low mainly because i was back to making intern wages and living with dantheman’s parents. To my surprise, I got a message from a total stranger one night on Facebook. She said she was new to the area and looking around for a church home. I’m not one to assume that was an opening line, but I kept that possibility open and started messaging back and forth with her via Facebook. After a few days of messaging she sent me her number and we started chatting via phone. After a couple days of this I broke a self-imposed rule (no dating total strangers you met on Facebook) and went ahead and asked her out. We met up at my favorite coffee shop and I was pleasantly surprised to find that she didn’t suffer from ‘the angles’ (the online phenomenon whereby a person only looks good because of the extreme angle of their profile pic) and seemed relatively normal. Coffee went good so we grabbed dinner a few nights later.
About two minutes into our third date we were heading down one of the busiest streets in San Diego on our way to a movie. We were cracking jokes about other movies when she dropped;
“That’s my husband’s favorite movie”.
[Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeching tires coming to a complete halt in the middle of five lanes of traffic]
[Horns honking as swerving cars dodge my truck in the middle of traffic]
“I probably shouldn’t have said that”.
[More horns as I floor it and make a U-turn across a few lanes]
“No, you should have said that, you should have said that the first time we talked.”
“Where are we going? Are you taking me home?”
“Yeah, this is a pretty big deal”
So this is me explaining to her that going out with a married woman is one of those big ones we’re supposed to stay away from. God even took the extra effort to carve that one in stone a while back. She wasn’t too happy but was understanding. She tried to justify it by saying that her and her husband were separated. I then explained to her that separated was not divorced, and even then she had lied to me. “I’m married” is one of those things that needs to be said before there’s ever a first date. Actually, “I’m married” is one of those things that should put the stop to any dates whatsoever. I dropped her off and never responded to her months (literally) of trying to call.
By the way, did you know you can’t block a number on an iPhone? I’d like to thank this girl for one of my best ideas though; ‘Don’t Answer’ is now the contact that I assign any and all ex-girlfriends / bad dates.
Stay tuned next week for the worst date ever.
One love, One heart.