I can’t sleep. I’m mad and I’m crying. I found out tonight that one of my favorite professors, Dr. Tony Alley, died this past tuesday from brain canacer.
it’s too much right now. i know i shouldn’t be mad at God, but i can’t help it right now.
I feel cold. I feel like staying up all night and trying to think of anything but this. I can’t go to sleep anyways because I have this huge knot in my stomach. I think I’m going to throw up.
This in not the response that any of these guys would want but right now i just don’t care.
Dr. Alley was by far the professor who cared the most for me when i was struggling in college, dealing with dad being sick. He was an art teacher who taught me more about faith than any of my bible professors. He was genuine. He cared. And he was wise.
And now my pillow is soaked and i’m punching my mattress asking God why?
The truth is i know exactly why this hurts. it hurts because i know that i’m not living up to the potential that all of these people saw in me. while i may not be a bad person, in no way shape or form could i look any of these men in the eyes and truthfully say that i am who they knew i could become. that’s what hurts. it’s beyond hurt; this is torturing my soul.
i can not go on with this pain anymore. i don’t want to go to church in the morning and pretend to be okay and smile at people. i don’t want to have to hear about others problems or listen to the some song from the 1800s with words i don’t ever use outside of church.
i want to drive all night and apologize to the alley family for never letting dr. alley know how much of an impact he made on my life. i want to tell them about the time he smiled when i said i was going to go into youth ministry. i want to fly up to seattle and sit in the back of our old church and look at the grassy hills outside the windows.
i want this sense of regret and rage to go away.
God, i don’t care what it is you do, just do something. please. i can’t stand this.